{No Love Lost: Part II}

Part I

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I reached out to my local mom’s group seeking support and positive outcomes of healthy pregnancies following a miscarriage. At the time having hope that we would be expecting again sooner than later without any issues was what I needed. Instead I received more comments that I can mention of love, support, sympathy and hope that it was just a subchorionic hematoma causing the bleeding or just a spontaneous period and I might have nothing to worry about. My gut knew otherwise but I was blown away by all of the support. I mean it was endless. I got nearly a dozen private messages; of women sharing their experience, giving me information that could possibly help me rule out an actual miscarriage, or for nothing but to extend their love and support. I felt the complete opposite of alone.

At the risk of sounding morbid, it’s honestly felt like I just became a part of this exclusive club. Obviously it’s not one you ever want to be a part of; but for me, it was a huge saving grace. I became one with so many other women that shared the exact same wound as me. The heartbreaking thing is you have to experience the unthinkable to automatically get handed your membership. But once you’re in you realize that when one of us hurts, we all hurt.

Thank Heaven, in my experience, the time period that I was at the lowest low, was short. Like I said before, there is no doubt in my mind that I have my intuition to thank for preparing me for what I knew deep down would inevitably happen. There was no way to get past those first 24 hours though, no matter how ‘prepared’ I was. While the bleeding is continually getting worse you are repeatedly reminded that you lost your baby. That you are currently losing your baby. Right now. There is absolutely no way to stop it and there is not a single thing that you can do but let nature take its course.

But instead of dealing with the shock factor I was dealing with the reality that what I was consumed by for two weeks – what I feared the most – was actually happening. I almost want to say finally. It was finally happening. The next day I woke up heartbroken, devastated, empty and relieved…

I swear a ten thousand pound weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally feel my body because I was no longer crippled by fear.

For two solid weeks I just wasn’t myself. At work I felt like a space cadet and at home I just felt weird. I spontaneously cried a lot and it didn’t matter where I was. It honestly felt a lot like it does when someone close to you dies. Angry, sad, empty and completely furious that the rest of the world just carries on around you as if this didn’t just happen – those emotions all come to mind. I felt like time should have stopped while I mourned.

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During those two weeks I really did try to fight it. The night before I started bleeding I found myself in a puddle of tears from feeling so emotionally and physically exhausted. Then I told myself to smarten up and I starting filling out our baby book. I kept telling myself that I was just being paranoid, and asking myself if I want the only memory I had of the first few weeks of this pregnancy to be riddled with fear and distrust in my body and my baby?? Of course not. And I certainly didn’t want to miss out on being excited right along with Davin, so I tried my hardest to suppress it and go about it as we normally would. That meant that we told our families, mine via phone/text and his at our nephew’s baby shower where the immediate and extended family all were. We set Lyric loose in a “big sisters rock” shirt we just bought her and waited to see who would notice. Well, people were starting to leave and no one had said anything so Davin finally just pointed it out. haha! It was pretty funny and everyone was so surprised and excited.

Even after having to call our friends and family with the sad news, that part really didn’t even phase me and it certainly won’t deter us from announcing before 12 weeks in the future. I think the main reason most people don’t announce their pregnancy early is because they don’t want to have to “take back” their exciting news and replace it with heartbreaking news. Understandable. And it’s completely fair that for some, talking about it repeatedly would only make it worse and prolong the healing process. But the stigma behind miscarriage makes me can’t help but wonder if some couples decide to wait because that’s what they decide is in their own best interest, or if they wait to announce to save everyone else from discomfort and having to think of what to say if something were to happen… Will I be judged for being naive and announcing before “the 12 week safe zone”? Will they be not be as excited as us because it’s “early”? If something happens I’ll have to tell every single person that we’re not pregnancy anymore…

In my experience no one else mattered. Some people simply expressed their condolences. Some people reached out and offered support in whatever way we needed. And some people that knew we were pregnant said nothing at all. And that was all okay. You’re dealing with everything first hand, and the fact that people knew you were pregnant, whether you formally announced it or word got out via the grapevine, how everyone else is dealing with it won’t cross your mind. I promise. The news about the loss of your baby will take care of itself and no one will judge you.

I read an article on Huffington Post recently that summed up what not to say to someone who has recently suffered a miscarriage. Even after experiencing it myself, I can’t say that I agree with all of what made their list. I knew exactly how I felt about our loss and I already knew if I believed that “everything happens for a reason” or not. I’m sure a few people said to me that it’s a “good” thing I was so early. I know they didn’t mean it’s a good thing I miscarried, but I knew what they meant. And I really was thankful that I was so early. So I really truly didn’t care what people said to me, what mattered what how they said it. If they were sincere about sharing my grief and understanding that I was mourning a very legitimate loss, that is what I took from them.

Miscarriage is just one of the many things that you have absolutely no idea what it’s like unless you’ve lived through it; another reason why I felt the way I did. I knew that not everyone would have the experience to know the perfect thing to say. Those first few days I didn’t want to talk to anyone other than women who had also miscarried and who knew exactly what I was feeling. I wanted to share every detail and hear in return how they handled their loss, how long it lasted physically, when they got pregnant again – just everything. I wanted to surround myself with women in the club. And I am so glad I did.

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It’s been a month now and we’re all back to normal and I’m feeling like myself again. For anyone wondering, I did have my progesterone checked one day post miscarriage and although it was low my OB confirmed that it means nothing and that Dr. Google led me to make ‘a mountain out of a mole hill.’ Progesterone levels vary from woman to woman just as much as HCG does so there is no way for doctors to know what ‘normal’ is for you and it isn’t something they look into until you’ve had three consecutive losses. You could require a progesterone level of 25 to sustain a healthy pregnancy while my body might carry to term just fine with only 7. {ps- that answer I am okay with. That is NOT the explanation I got at my walk in appointment though and that’s not why he said he wouldn’t do the test.}

We’re looking forward to starting fresh and to having a healthy pregnancy one day hopefully soon. In the meantime I won’t hide away any pictures we took or the video of Lyric surprising her daddy at work of the little life that touched ours for a very special time, now, or ever. They are still memories of a happy time in our lives however short lived it was.

I do just want to point out that these opinions are all my own, based on my own experience. Please, please, please remember that everyone is so different so it’s still a good idea not to mutter something you know is insensitive. If you can’t relate sometimes less is more and “I’m sorry to hear that” is all you need to say. Remember that time heals all wounds, but at very different speeds for everyone, and unlike me, not everyone likes to talk about it.

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February 24, 2016 - 10:31 am

{No Love Lost: Part I} » ohmygee.ca - […] Part II […]

February 27, 2016 - 12:31 pm

Francesca - I’m so sorry for your loss. We suffered two losses before we were blessed with our son and I was worried my whole pregnancy with our second child that something terrible would happen.

Thank you for sharing your story, you’re not alone.
It’s definitely comforting to share your story with those who have been through it.
My thoughts are with you and your family.

March 8, 2016 - 8:56 am

Lisa G. - Thank you Francesca! I’m sorry for your losses, and so glad you got that beautiful healthy boy of yours! <3

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